Are you hiding behind your identity?

About 15 or so years ago, I was running down a path I was very sure of, knew every inch of the business I was in, was investing in myself, when I hit a very large bump in the road.  Actually, I would call it a mountain with no path around it.  Too tall to scale, so I fell in a heap, with my dreams shattered into fragments of rock around me.

The fall damaged my ego so much I gave up, yup, gave up just like that.  Gave up the dream I had worked all of my life for, and let my mind and emotions rule and rob me of all of it.  I lived in pity for myself and my lost world for nearly a year, but in that year I learned something very valuable.  Who I was! That's right, little old me, no title, no identity to hide behind, just myself, my abilities, and what was left of a very battered persona that had enveloped me for years.

Suddenly I was Kate, I wasn't a singer, or an actress, or a writer.  I wasn't performing anywhere, I had no tales to tell, and no stories to cover the real me up.  I felt weird, like I didn't know myself at all without my success stories, my next booking or my next song that I was writing and singing out somewhere tonight.  I was stripped of all the titles, and I suddenly found a brand new person underneath the shroud I had placed around me to do what?  Protect me? I think not.

When I had enough of the sad and pitiful feelings, I sat outside myself and had a really good look.  What were all the negative feelings doing to me?  I now had a different story, but it still seemed like I was just trying out a different identity, the one that said "I am hard done by, I failed, I can't get up".  I decided I didn't want a cover up, I wanted to know me!

It was a struggle out of some sort of gloomy dark place, but I surfaced, a little worse for wear, but no-one could take my mind, my body or my soul.  I started to look for places where I wasn't the center of attention, but somewhere I could put my focus and give out of my heart, something I had always wanted to do with my abilities as an entertainer.

I began to find self love for the very first time, and allowed it to grow and take the place of all the titles, the identities, and the striving after perfectionism that had nearly buried me alive.  That does not mean I do not own my abilities, because they do make up part of who I am, the difference is they don't own me anymore!

This may sound strange but the huge failure all those years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don't hide anymore, I don't look for perfectionism, and I remember that I am learning something new every day.  Roll on the next 30 years!

Go4Symmetry: How strong are your foundations?.......

Go4Symmetry: How strong are your foundations?.......: I have been in Australia visiting my family for the last two weeks, and it has been wonderful and interesting at the same time.  For some re...

How strong are your foundations?.......

I have been in Australia visiting my family for the last two weeks, and it has been wonderful and interesting at the same time.  For some reason, maybe do da do da, my childhood memories and the foundations I laid for my future have suddenly smacked me in the face.  We all have stuff in our childhood that we regret, blame, wish we could change etc, but these thoughts were the good stuff, the stuff futures are made of.

As a coach, I could sit back and see those memories that could pull me into a negative space, or make me dredge up all the past crap and nonsense that has happened, but, I chose not to dwell on that, but instead,  look at what my childhood, and the steps I took to make a future, have impacted my adult life.  Now, I am not sugar coating anything here, we all have stuff that frankly, we wish didn't happen to us or that we could change, and we put pretty flowers around a frame of what we want to believe instead of what is actual.

Sometime ago, I had a long hard look, took the flowers away from the cosy picture I wanted to paint, and realized that most people in my life, including my family, only wanted what was best for me.  Where it all got muddied, came from opinions, mine and theirs included, and expectations of each other that were not real.  A lot of those opinions in my case came from fear.

You see, I was a very outgoing, fearless young person who knew exactly what she wanted, and it made my parents cringe and see the dark monsters that could cloud my future, and others who saw the potential in my abilities and encouraged and supported me.  So which story do I want to believe?  Oh sure, I could have a story of woe and struggle and non support because no-one really understood me, or I could look and see the amazing people who helped me become something super special as a teenager, with memories so wonderful that it impacted my whole life.

I met one of those people yesterday, one who believed in me probably more than I believed in myself.  He managed my career as part of a singing duo for several years, giving me such confidence and belief in my talents and abilities.  It was through him I eventually met my now husband of 35 years.  The word grateful pales into insignificance when I look back at those years from 15 to about 30.  The good times shaped me more than the difficult times.

But, as I faced more difficulties in my life, a divorce, changing countries, adopting very special needs kids, somewhere that fearlessness took a dive.  Though the amazing training I have received as a Life Coach, that fearlessness has returned stronger than ever, because of, not just the good times, but the difficulties that made me into a fighter.

So, I am glad that no-one told me what to see, but helped me to look for what I was so I could evolve from childhood, to an amazing promise of what is to still come as an adult.

Are you living in the past......?

Quite some time ago I realized living in the past was a fruitless exercise and decided to live in the present, plan for the future, but to definitely  learn to put stuff behind me, and stay focused on now.  That was a great decision, but living it in every day was not as easy as I expected.  Seems there is this "peanut" in my brain that wants to send me all sorts of thoughts (sorry I rhyme naturally, habit), that I can't always stop from dredging up past feelings, past hurts, past behaviors which tend to put a prickle up on the back of my neck, or past manuals, or expectations of others lives that I have no right to expect.

My ability to capture those ugly things is getting better, but when certain painful circumstances come back, and the people associated with that as well turn up with their emotional mess, it is easy to fall back to the whole scenario and relive every little detail, which, in turn, brings up all the feelings that have been supposedly released to the universe or whatever, never to be felt again.

This happened to me recently and I "coached" myself around the mess, resolved, or supposedly resolved those ugly little critter thoughts and emotions, to find that they marched right back and took over every sensible part of my brain.  I wish they were peanuts for real because I would eat them, digest them, and pass them through much quicker in my internal organs than in my peanut brain.

The good news is, that I can understand all of this, but have to process it all the way through to an unconditional love for all of those that want to claim my joy, emotions and actions.  To find a peace, that can keep the space, not return "tit for tat", not spew back to get even, but to just love, without expectation, and to put the past where it belongs, in the past.  Not let it control my present, or my future.

A work in progress...........might I say a GOOD work!