About 15 or so years ago, I was running down a path I was very sure of, knew every inch of the business I was in, was investing in myself, when I hit a very large bump in the road. Actually, I would call it a mountain with no path around it. Too tall to scale, so I fell in a heap, with my dreams shattered into fragments of rock around me.
The fall damaged my ego so much I gave up, yup, gave up just like that. Gave up the dream I had worked all of my life for, and let my mind and emotions rule and rob me of all of it. I lived in pity for myself and my lost world for nearly a year, but in that year I learned something very valuable. Who I was! That's right, little old me, no title, no identity to hide behind, just myself, my abilities, and what was left of a very battered persona that had enveloped me for years.
Suddenly I was Kate, I wasn't a singer, or an actress, or a writer. I wasn't performing anywhere, I had no tales to tell, and no stories to cover the real me up. I felt weird, like I didn't know myself at all without my success stories, my next booking or my next song that I was writing and singing out somewhere tonight. I was stripped of all the titles, and I suddenly found a brand new person underneath the shroud I had placed around me to do what? Protect me? I think not.
When I had enough of the sad and pitiful feelings, I sat outside myself and had a really good look. What were all the negative feelings doing to me? I now had a different story, but it still seemed like I was just trying out a different identity, the one that said "I am hard done by, I failed, I can't get up". I decided I didn't want a cover up, I wanted to know me!
It was a struggle out of some sort of gloomy dark place, but I surfaced, a little worse for wear, but no-one could take my mind, my body or my soul. I started to look for places where I wasn't the center of attention, but somewhere I could put my focus and give out of my heart, something I had always wanted to do with my abilities as an entertainer.
I began to find self love for the very first time, and allowed it to grow and take the place of all the titles, the identities, and the striving after perfectionism that had nearly buried me alive. That does not mean I do not own my abilities, because they do make up part of who I am, the difference is they don't own me anymore!
This may sound strange but the huge failure all those years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't hide anymore, I don't look for perfectionism, and I remember that I am learning something new every day. Roll on the next 30 years!
